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I dreamt I dwelt in Marble halls... Oct. 15th, 2004 @ 10:36 pm

a soul stealer? Collapse )
I felt a bit creative tonight, and then the words kind of just spilled out. Funny, I don't want to stop, I want her to live, to breathe, to be here now. I'm happy for Katie, and hopefully sooner or later something good will be flung my way as well.

If you could only see how blue her eyes can be

when she says

when she says she loves me.

Current Mood: amusedamused
Current Music: tonic-if you could only see

Oct. 11th, 2004 @ 11:49 pm
Hm. If it weren't for people trying to piss me off, I'm sure that life would be fine.

Only midnight. Life has slowed down a bit, I did the portfolio. Which in itself was lame.

One thing I have noticed while being friends with people this summer is that there are guys that like to make the drama as much as possible because they have no life whatsoever. The more drama that is conceived the more amused they are.

I want to vanish off the earth basically. All I do is make other people miserable-it's much easier for me to just become invisible. I feel tired, and alone, and I feel as if I am a sigh waiting to be released.

Is there anyone out there because it's getting harder and harder to breathe

This ain't no fuck in the ass, this aint no planet of no apes.

Why are there more questions than answers? It seems like people are dying alot more than usual around me, and I know it's just this week, but it's just wierd coincidences that make me look to the moon for not comfort, but for deceit.

So much for shooting the moon.
Current Mood: crappycrappy

Get Hysterical... Oct. 8th, 2004 @ 02:19 am
Okay.
So, sometimes guys aren't the best to talk to, but they sure are amusing and I love them. I don't think I could live without them just because they can pee standing up and that's a miracle in itself.

I, unfortunately, cannot do that, and I don't really feel like it. I just want to die basically. I read all of Dominic Deegan, Seer Wanted or some such name, and I nearly died, I love it so much. How is it that when I breathe it hurts? Why isn't some random fuzzy teddy bear head coming over and telling me it's time to go to sleep now cuz she can't stay awake any longer. I can't hear her clicking toe nails, her snoring in my room. It's now going to be silent and forlorn, and I am going to be one of the loneliest people I know. So, I'm selfish and I wanted her to stay.

But baby, how can I breathe without you?

My love for you is like oxygen, and without you, I think I might run out of reasons to keep breathing.

I don't want to let go of her, I want those brown eyes looking at me everyday reminding me that she loves me no matter what I do, and she trusts my decisions, and that everything is unconditional. That we would be there for one another forever.

She's being cremated.

Help me breathe.
Current Mood: moroseso lonely.
Current Music: escapade-janet jackson

say...what... Sep. 30th, 2004 @ 11:03 pm
JAPANKORE: hey
JAPANKORE: can i ask you something
SerialButtafli: yes
SerialButtafli: although i think you're going to ask me anyways
SerialButtafli: but go
SerialButtafli: on
JAPANKORE: no i wouldnt
SerialButtafli: well, ask me anyways.
JAPANKORE: when we were together i was doing all the giving, why is that? im in the same situation again
SerialButtafli: well, are you giving to a virgin?
JAPANKORE: no
JAPANKORE: you werent a virgin
SerialButtafli: its just nice to take
SerialButtafli: lol yeah i know.
SerialButtafli: then again
SerialButtafli: girls get self conscious
SerialButtafli: and so they're like I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO
JAPANKORE: about?
JAPANKORE: what were you like though?
SerialButtafli: me?
JAPANKORE: yeah
SerialButtafli: i was uncertain, and liked being given to
JAPANKORE: uncertain about what?
SerialButtafli: uncertain about what to do with you, it sounds stupid, i know, but...i didnt have self confidence...and i was worried you'd be like uhm, what are you doing?
SerialButtafli: lol
JAPANKORE: hmmm ok
JAPANKORE: should i have asked you for something? i dont ask
SerialButtafli: lol yeah
SerialButtafli: its easier that way i think
SerialButtafli: but then again, i was a different person
SerialButtafli: i like knowing now what people wnat so i can give it to them; then i just wanted to be wanted.
JAPANKORE: thanks that helps
SerialButtafli: lol np
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: skellig-loreena mckennit

Ladies and Gentlemen, It's time to party... Sep. 29th, 2004 @ 10:57 am
Yeah, so, I was chillin with Cindy, Ed, and those crazy juniors.

I fucking let go to some of the shit that made me have a stick up my ass. Why not have a little fun? I mean, it's not like I can get anymore hated for any of it. Talked to Cat about how endowed someone was, and it was quite interesting. I think Cat's going to be chuckling alot nowadays, whenever she looks at me anyhow. I should be in class right now, but I don't think I will go. I always skip class, it's really bad for me. I wish I could drive so that I could just come here and then jam to class and have no problems. I'm so tired right now, I think, if it wouldn't ruin my face I would go to sleep on the keyboard. Isn't it funny...I feel like when I loosen up, I know exactly who I am, and where I have to go, but dad's got all this pressure on me because he doesn't want me to make the same mistakes as he did.

My shoulder really hurts, I really need a massage, instead of it being the other way and me giving it.

Sigh, What's the deal? Why am I so sad? It's not as if anything's going wrong nowadays, in fact, everything is fine. So, why is everything so damned depressing? Maybe it's because I'm taking on everyone else's problems, and trying to be of use, and help because I love them and want to help them. Why is it such a taxing feeling on the body and spirit?

Anja, where be you when I need you most?
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: I know you love me- debbie debb
Other entries
» (No Subject)
Diary-


Alot has happened, and I think that friends are like stones that are thrown into water to make ripples in life. They lie, they cheat, they love, they hate, they don't appreciate. Damn, I rhymed. I feel like my head's going to explode, I'm so tight all the time, I fucking hate it. I want nothing more but to be told that I am beautiful, that I am wanted. Is that such a big request? How far do I have to dig before I can find that? My life is not at all in shambles, I just feel as if I am growing up alone, which is always not the best feeling.


Life is such an upheaval, and everyone in it is the earthquake. Everyone's breaking up, everyone's hating on everyone because they got played. Just get up, move on, get laid. That's what happens. It's time to get over it because I don't even know Ed Gates any longer. It wasn't that great anyways. He knows how to push my buttons, but how far he wants to push them is not far enough for me.


Fair weather we've had indeed, I must say. I like my life alot more than I used to. I am glad though, that I have no fuck buddy.


One problem I do have-having someone not be keen on me being friends with another person, and then not talking to me about it, in fact, telling me it's fine. It's obviously not fine, but when she kisses my ass like that, what am I supposed to think?


OBVIOUSLY THAT IT'S FINE.


Or maybe I'm the crazy one. Maybe I'm the one that needs to be fixed. Maybe my heart has shriveled to a tiny square and refuses to pump again. Or maybe I just love the wrong people. I don't know, either way, I'm disgusted with people.


And honestly-I'm starting to give up on people being good friends. I just fucking give up.


Especially with fucking women.


Godamnit, I really wish I could have someone to relate to. Why does it always have to come down to I'm the only one that understands myself sometimes? I don't want someone to say, "Oh, yeah, I totally get what you're talking about," and then not understand at all. I really wish sometimes people would tell me the truth instead of feeling like they aren't smart enough to keep up with me.


I don't even care if they're fucking blazers.


Another thing-Don't fucking say you're going to kill yourself if you're not fucking going to. Just do it and get it over with, you're taking up my oxygen thinking about it. I mean, honestly, if you're going to complain that your life sucks because some guy said no he didn't like you, get over it, or die. Pick one or the other.


Just don't fucking bleed all over my floor. It's already red enough.


Bon soir,


L'Ombre Noire


» Fuck off.
So, I don't want to do this story, but thanks to Hannah, it looks like the story might actually make it. It's three-sixteen in the afternoon and I haven't changed out of my pajamas, and listening to Eminem. That's how you know that life sucks: when you're sitting on your fat ass and listening to fucking Kim while you do your homework. Jesus christ, I hate that song. Sometimes, it's funny-I feel lonely, I mean, it's no big deal. I don't mind being with myself, in fact, I enjoy it; there are other times though, I feel as if I regret being alone. Since it was my choice. Sigh. Times like these I wonder if it's good that I don't talk to others that I knew once upon a time, for instance, Brian, because I know he would have been over here in no time if I asked him for a small fuck. I wonder if he ever did get a girl to roll his condom on with her teeth, well I hope she bit him while she was at it. Pussy. Anyways, I'm comfortably numb, and I somehow can stand it. I loved last night, when I was with people that I knew from times ago. That was awesome, I felt as if I were appreciated for who I am, and not just some random slut.

Thank you, all of you, for appreciating me.

I think the only thing I was pissed about is that I didn't go on any rides, and I ended up giving seven dollars worth of tickets to Pottsy and Rebekah. I just hope she doesn't make him feel as if he were duped, because I think, like Pape, I would be disappointed that she could be mean like that. It's not that I think she will, I think it will just happen even if she does apologize and then he will hate us all for doing such a thing to him. I hope that doesn't happen for both the students and the teacher's sake.

And Toph can be such a jerk-I totally forgot guys have to be COOL around their fucking friends, so when cute girls like me go up to them and hug them, they have to be very stand off-ish, because, oh, god, you know, their friends could think that the girl is their girl or something stupid of that sort! My bad, I forgot that normally people are not like that. Whoops, my bad! {covers mouth with hand.}

Meh, just fuck that.

Anyways, I'm glad that Shauna and I are better friends, but I think that we are going to understand each other better if she knows that I am as much an Alpha as she is. Along with Rachel, we get along just damned fine. Which is a relief seeing as before we could not stand the sight of one another. Damn Steve and everything else that prevented us from being friends. It's going to be much better because she lives right next to me basically-off of Erringer. Tis tight.

Btw, if you're thinking about killing yourself-don't forget to do it the wrong right way-go across the street.

Have a nice day!
» (No Subject)
Resentment, do you smell it? I can, I can, I can.


Who can you trust nowadays? Absolutely no one. Down my pants? Did I say yes? I can't remember your name, what was it again? Who can you see that isn't me? I wish it was someone else. Why can't people just let things go? I am not yours, and you are not mine. Why can't we just be friends? I can't stand it, not really anymore. I just want to chill out, and you just want me to love you and I can't. I can't love anyone right now, it's just not going to happen. It's too hard, and I hate that you get resentful when I am the one who says no. It's not fair to me that you keep pushing and pushing. It doesn't help either that you hate every other that I've been with because it wasn't you.

It really makes me feel like shit I can't be myself around you.

Even though I want to stay friends and no one else wants me to stay friends with you either.

Stop comparing others to me-you won't ever find anyone else better or worse than me, and you will never be happy if you keep on doing it.

Because you know I need you as much as you love me.
» (No Subject)

w00t for druggies.

That's all people seem to be nowadays. It's just to get away from their stupid problems that they can't deal with. So fucking irresponsible. I can't stand them, except for maybe two and that's because they fucking amuse me. The rest of em are stupid, and all the want is to fuck. Goddamn Nymphos, I'm so tired of being asked if I want to have sex just because I'm their fucking ex-girlfriend which, in some respect I guess, has somehow gained them the right to ask me for it. Another thing that's fucking bothering me, don't tell me no when you know I am going to do it anyways, and then get mad at me for it. That's fucking bullshit, and I'm tired of being treated as if someone else is coordinating my fucking life. Thanks anyways, but I think I can handle it.

God fucking damnit.

People fucking suck my cock.

I'm so tired of being treated as if I am nothing but a fucking slut, and I'm not going to stand for it much longer.

It's exactly what they're waiting for, I know, but what can I do?

Obviously not much.

Meh, I really wish that Jordan understood that I care for him as if he were my friend, and I don't want him to love me.

JUST STOP.

 


» Fuck this.
No more staying up nice Jessie. Goddamn I'm tired. I love talking to him, but if I have to wake up before noon again and stay up until three or three thirty I am going to die. I think it's going to be sleepy time in Tag's class on accident today. Meh, I feel like shit. I really don't want to go to school, Yawn. It's not like anyone important is going to be there to see. Okay, I need to get up and do stuff before I fall asleep here at my comp.
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